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Thats probably what her daughter is reacting to, and she probably sees her father as a bully. It must suck to have go some where with the two of them, and because your wife wants to be best friends with your daughter, you probably cant even talk with her while they are together. July 2, 2013, 4:19 pm. It gives them a model for their own m, kerrycontrary Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. Also have to add that her father probably doesnt realize it, but at that age I felt like criticism of what I took an interest in was equal to criticism of myself. I second this. That doesnt mean she shouldnt modify her behavior, but her desire is understandable and its easy to lose sight of the bigger picture. I AM going to say, though, that they are a *substantial* part of why all of that happened. I think the fathers criticism is a major problem, although I also think the daughter should be encouraged to become educated and skillful in the things hes attempting to teach her too (life is better when youre well-rounded and competent in a lot of things). Forget it. Instead, hes insisting on discussing National Geographic articles via reading assignments then criticizes her afterword in escalating arguments. Ross was telling me the other day that his dad took him deep sea fishing a couple times when he was younger. Lily in NYC In the meantime, you can bolster your children's confidence and counter the ill effects of your husband's put-downs by constantly reassuring them of your love and affection. Others say no because the spouse is the one person who will always be there for you, no matter what. July 3, 2013, 3:26 am, You probably know this already but Meribor = Picards daughter. He probably reached Buffy overload YEARS ago and now here it is every morning at the breakfast table. Yeah, I wasnt responding so much to Mark re: sports but to culture as a whole. Maybe they have communicated about this many times, but obviously there havent been any results yet! When children become teenagers, they sometimes start to distance themselves from their parents. He also occasionally went to movies with us. So I was just assuming it happened similarly for LW and her daughter. But the dad is giving the kid homework? Id love to tell you about the things I like. Shes a kid, with a kids sense of fairness, so that would probably be a good compromise, because right now, hes asking her to do all the changing. Im peace-ing out. You became a drudge, in spite of him being a great guy and loving you madlybecause. When they are able to see the. BtVS not mature and intelligent? Dad was self-centered and pretty vain. In the Summer of 1993 when I was 12 I went through a serious Tom Petty phase and my dad LOVED it. You dont always get to do the things you want and sometimes have to compromise. I was closer to my mom, and even closer with my friends in the neighborhood. I have to keep an eye on myself to make sure Im more mom than friend. honeybeenicki In return, LW could offer to be extra supportive of the daughter participating in activities with her father that hes interested in as well. Will he ever change? Extend invitations on appropriate occasions. Most of them are women. . His ambition and strong work ethic filled you with admiration. The How I Met Your Father star welcomed her son, Luca, with ex-husband Mike Comrie in 2012. I was saying thats debatable. EVER. My mom put me in ballet because she thought it would be cute, which was fine, but I wish theyd made me do a sport for a while or a musical instrument. All rights reserved. Finally, try to model the behavior you want to see from your husband and daughter. Liquid Luck And LW, just because there is communicating going on around you doesnt mean that your family has good, healthy, communication. Youre caught between two people you love, and you have to figure out how to keep the peace. He's just as cool and aloof with me these days and I'm not sure how I feel about him anymore. Are they harboring some passive/aggressive need to prove that love wont last and unconsciously sabotaging every chance that it could? My mom and I both liked movies, reading, pop culture, and shopping. Not for a minute did I think she was missing out on anything because of not having a dad, as she had my dad and my brother to fill those fatherly roles. I just happened to end up having a pretty great kid, and a pretty great guy. Most certainly. As time went by, your belief that you had any influence at all was fading. Yeah, apparently mine were fans all along, but there were no records in the house, unlike the other two. Gotta say, I disagree with the extreme nature of that statement. His dad wasnt a particularly avid fisherman, he just thought it would be a good father-son activity. You can follow me on Facebook here and sign up for my weekly newsletter here. His GP should be able to refer him to an appropriate local counsellor or he could contact the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (bacp.co.uk). 1. It makes me very depressed that the new Star Trek movies are so popular when the brilliance of DS9 and TNG are all but forgotten amongst our youth . I was afraid the BS stood for something else. The opposite gender relationship in a family (IMO) kinda shapes future relationships your daughter may have with boyfriends. Having them spend time alone will foster at least appreciation for each others interests and give them bonding time alone to build the relationship and find common ground now that your daughter is growing up. On the other side, my sister hates sports and has ZERO in common with my dad and I would say prefers my mom to him. Some of our partners may process your data as a part of their legitimate business interest without asking for consent. (And those are two things I didnt care for as a kid that I really like now.) I know my father and I did not share a lot of interests when I was growing up I read a lot and was introverted. To view the purposes they believe they have legitimate interest for, or to object to this data processing use the vendor list link below. Well I disagree with the context, but not the actual content, of this advice. I dont know if its The Best thing, but its very important and Im glad for all the things he exposed me to. Im sure BOTH the LW ~and~ her husband could benefit from those. One other thought is that, maybe this really isnt about the daughter, but about her and her husband, she references herself a lot in this letter, and maybe she really has a problem with the way he treats her, but she just doesnt want to admit it. Yeah, the letter makes me really concerned for their marriage. If he feels like thats going to impede their time together, then fine, youre off the hook. Your Family Doesn't Want To See You Together. My dad really, really loves talking about the 60s, and some aspects of it, like the space race, I care about but dont really find compelling enough to discuss, but other parts, like the JFK assassination, Im fascinated by, so we talk about that a lot, along with the Civil Rights movement and what it was like to watch (he was there! If he had been the one to write to me, Id be giving him an earful, believe me), but it only means you need to step up and be MORE parental, which includes putting your daughters interests first. July 2, 2013, 11:03 am. And that if he continues to do so, he risks damaging these relationships still further. My husband has a son from a previous relationship and my husband treats him sooo badly. Additionally, she may worry that a new man in your life will try to take his place and replace him entirely. When you are in the same space with someone who is watching TV all day or farting often or slurping their coffee or whatever, unless you get away from them you will most likely explode. Dont you think that much of parenting is ramming things down their throat. But if youre saying that getting the daughter into these things was some deliberate, malicious move on the part of the mother, I doubt that. I would have been more open to doing different things if I wasnt told that there was something wrong or bad about the interests I did have. painted_lady Shes doing archery and piano, Id say thats enriching. All of these are better that watching the Kardashians find new ways to make money or reading magazines that criticize stars beach bodies. Why Does Your Daughter Wants You To Leave Your Husband? We think theyre awesome. It was infuriating. This part is simple: You must never let them in a vehicle with this man driving. I discovered them in college and came home like, HOW DID YOU NOT TELL ME ABOUT THIS? My Dad and I had similar interests so it was real easy to build a relationship with him with my sister not so much, he didnt know how to relate to her as she had all the same interests as my mother. Id hate it if a parent did that to me and Id hate it if my partner did that to me too. Ive seen a lot of mothers and teenage daughter relationships that are so close that the mother sort of pulls away from her husband. I get that it is tough to have her be mad at you sometimes even though you really enjoy the things she does, but that is just part of being a parent, and keeping a healthy marriage. Read some of the most popular Dear Wendy posts here. My mom and I were not friends like this, and she let my dads bullying escalate to keep the peace. You're surely not alone. Husband treats 15 year old step son badly. By not actively encouraging your daughter to spend time with her father, even if it means doing things she may not actively be interested in, you keep her from being the full person she could be. I feel like the mother may be inadvertently teaching the daughter that its OK to make it all about yourself. Respect the boundaries and, as far as possible, learn to relax and take refuge on your side of the fence. Not from Scranton either! Sci-Fi is a great gateway to get kids interested in sciencethere was a museum exhibit traveling around called Star Wars: Where Science Meets Imagination, and theres a similar one about Indiana Jones and archaeology. bittergaymark He came home four hours later. Then ice cream after. And lets face itthe daughter is about to become a teenager. Addressing issues with the person whos causing the problem is just a good habit to get into, you know? Im also coming from a place where I 100% agree with Wendy that her interests could also change next month or next year so its more about tone/approach/attitude than actual activities. Haha, are you saying I should stop saying that listening to Taylor Swift on repeat is annoying? Hed take me to Barnes and Noble and buy me a new Star Wars fan magazine every time. For my husband he has to do all the driving. July 3, 2013, 9:47 am. You are the only one who knows whats best for you and your family. Your biggest enemy when your spouse is driving you crazy is proximity. I resented how I wasnt allowed to pursue my own interests, and how the only interaction from my father was doing something he wanted or berating us about not having his interest and how stupid our own interests were. June 30, 2022 by Team The Relationship Notes. Why should your husband treat her that way?? Wed do something hed want to do (touring a waste water treatment plant seriously), and then wed do something I wanted to do a couple weeks later (he took me to see Rent when I was 13!). In my case, Im sure there would have been something else to criticize if I was a different kid. I feel like Im in a relationship with two people, one who really loves me and his evil twin who emerges without warning or reason.. July 2, 2013, 12:02 pm, Obviously, but thats just because youre wrong and not because of the certain, lasting trauma it will cause for lil. July 2, 2013, 12:02 pm. These 8 tips are from my experience and may point out things you probably don't know are pushing your husband away and destroying your marriage. Im not saying that to excuse the dads behavior if hes being mean, but if the LW truly wants to do the best thing for her daughter, she needs to do something that 1) Doesnt encourage her daughter to dislike her dad and 2) Actually makes him stop being mean, because what shes doing now clearly isnt working. Maybe not the way it is being done (which Im not sure how that is) but it is possible to make it fun and even do it as a family. as well, which is probably why this struck a chord with me. That was my guess too. Obviously, this is as much your husbands job as it is yours, but right now it seems hes threatened by the bond you share with your daughter and is acting childish. We were never close because by the time I was a teenager, I felt like I couldnt be my own person around him and like I was always walking on eggshells so as not to pick the wrong activity to occupy myself with. Or raising a child who should have a bigger perspective about the world and what is going on. It should open up LWs eyes to the reality of the situation. lets_be_honest Others see him as a bully and a hole. July 2, 2013, 12:46 pm. But hes so cute when hes excited about something. I actually wish my parents had exposed me to more things, even things I didnt like. He's been this way for some time, so I suspect he will not change quickly nor easily. , so i guess it cuts both ways. I think this is what the LW needs to communicate to her husband. But you do so at your husbands expense, your daughters expense, and possibly the expense of your marriage. My father (and mother, if I want to be totally honest) would criticize anything that my sister and I had an interest in, regardless of how much value it did or did not have. The fact that he is open to sharing his interests with her is key thats going to be where the relationship develops. We watched Eureka last year and our daughter loved it and talked about it with her friends. Make it easier for him to be his best self. Cant even describe how much I hate hate hate them!! Its great because its competitive but also forces cooperation (you need to trade for resources to gain points in the game). I mean when she was a toddler did he demand that the Disney tunes never be played in favor of classical!?! I hated, and still do, all of those things. Im just saying that indicates very little to me. Learning about give and take in a relationship is very important for a 12 year old (who can often be very self-centered at that age) to know. I think some of Wendys advice is accurate, you need to encourage the relationship between father and daughter. Last weekend she wanted to spend time just the two of us so I found a great B-and-B and set up a romantic weekend. Maybe they both like pizza or Indian food or something; then Dad can take her out to dinner or cook with her. I do also believe that your husband really does need to at least embrace a couple of her interest if he wants her to embrace the things he likes. I do think the LW should encourage her daughters interest in her father and her fathers hobbies, because I think thats good parenting in general. No matter how much mom encourages their relationship, the child is hearing Dad thinks Im stupid.. (Its not in the joking way, either, but in the Temperance never gets to choose another movie again way.). And my husband tried; he can shoot bow and arrow (his dads favorite) very well, can recognize animal tracks, knows a number of out-doorsy tricks.it was never good enough. I fell in love with football and cooking and baseball, which were things he loved. I did so out of obligation and obedience, but now that Im older, I certainly appreciate what I learned, and wish I had paid more attention than I did. Her free spirit and spontaneity. She may also believe that by getting divorced, youll finally be able to find the happiness that you deserve. To this day we have a great relationship, and now Im able to make the same efforts for him. I hope the LW sees your comment. On the flip side, my mother was much like LWs husband in that she always encouraged competitiveness and athleticism and things she thought were good. July 2, 2013, 1:32 pm. I do believe he is some what of a jerk with the fact that he really doesnt put any effort in to anything she likes though. How Psychologically Conditioned Rats Are Defusing Landmines, 7 Ticking Time Bombs That Destroy Loving Relationships, The Single Best (and Hardest) Thing to Give Up, 3 Ways to Reclaim Your Hope and Happiness. Randi Gunther, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist and marriage counselor practicing in Southern California. People who are closed-off in this way often become so as a result of a previous emotional trauma or traumas. (To be fair, I tried a couple of months ago when we started dating, but i couldnt understand a word during the fight scene, it was late and there was another 1.5 hours, so he turned it off so I could give it my full attention next time.) It actually kind of rocks once you get passed the first 20 mins (or watch them with subtitles). He needs to make some fundamental changes to his behaviour. bittergaymark Is It True? Overly forgiving and intensely devoted partners do not help their partners by taking their patterns personally and destroying their own confidence when they cannot control the outcome. Let them know that, in your eyes, they are precious and beautiful beyond . I dont care if they actually do or not, hes the adult and shes the kid here, so he needs to act like it. I grew up with my dad frequently clipping newspaper articles he wanted us to read, and instigating family learning moments around the table. WOW! Hold on there, NKOTB are STILL awesome! I generally agree with Wendy, but would add that LW should talk to her husband about the critical view hes taking of his daughters hobbies, the escalating fights between him and the daughter and his way of interrupting conversations between LW and her daughter that annoy him. I love it. I was an athlete and a complete girly girl (still am), so my dad got his sports buddy and princess in one child my sister was not into sports or girly things. Get the help you need from a therapist near youa FREE service from Psychology Today. Such is not the case if youre on the end of a crazy-making partner. Have you read Tumblr recently? My dad tried to practice volleyball with me even though I was awful, but I wouldnt call that trying to force me to like it. Express appreciation in your husbands interests so that your daughter may learn to appreciate them or at least be curious about them too. Thats awesome! Now she's asked me to talk to him for her and, the truth is, I'm fed up with her moping and simply don't want to. One thing that works is to invite a friend along because then she looks forward to the activity and has fun and at the same time she is still interacting with parents. And relinquish some of your time with her so that your husband can have a chance to nurture his own relationship with her. My partner teaches high school students and they went NUTS for Sherlock this past year. Although this trip, for the first time ever, I strung the fish after I caught it. Highlight their special talents and abilities. Continue with Recommended Cookies. I just told her she wasnt allowed to ramble off all the names of plants/flowers unless I specifically ask as I really dont care (it would be like me telling her sports stats all day). I see his point to some extent. July 2, 2013, 3:17 pm. Its that shes finding she doesnt always like her dad. Knowing what you value will help you build the most meaningful life possible. But you know what? He is, however, driven and self-reliant. She wasnt responding to the father though. On a side note, two weekends ago I went on a family camping trip. And while my mom certainly cultivated my love of our mutual interests, she also encouraged me to participate in some of my dads interests, too. This makes me so deeply jealous. "I cant win for losing. I wish Id been closer to my mother growing up, but now that Im almost 30, were as close as can be, so maybe itll just take a few years. Seriously, have you heard their new stuff? When crazy-making partners are not driven by malevolent motives, they are very open to changing their behavior if it is pointed out in a non-judgmental environment. So I cant agree that it is never ok. Theres a true difference between good natured humor and cruelty (even if some people claim it is the the former when it is really the latter) and kids need to be exposed to the former. Ooh, that was common ground for my dad and sisters and I. Mini golf. lets_be_honest He liked baseball and trivia and languages and anthropology all stuff I didnt really care about. July 2, 2013, 4:01 pm. July 2, 2013, 11:03 am, I think what needs to be addressed here is the the primary relationship in a familythe marriage. My Husband Is An Angry Parent And I Hate It. PostedOctober 22, 2014 Yours on their own will just isolate her as, frankly, many out there find fangirls and fanboys annoying. Um, Im in my twenties and all my friends like these things. So basically my husband has been their father as their biological father rarely sees them,maybe once or twice a year. We had some past issues that affected our relationship. My daughter openly tells him that she hates him and that he is a douche and that she wouldn't care if he was out of her life. I think compromise and parental teamwork will go a long way here. He thinks it's ridiculous. I would suggest planning outings for just your husband and your daughter maybe to an arcade, out to a movie, mini golf,etc so that they can spend time together by themselves. I cant believe you didnt address that. Go to a murder mystery night and talk about Sherlock. July 2, 2013, 11:57 am. July 2, 2013, 11:05 am. He is also very critical of both of us, but particularly of her lack of competitiveness (she hates team sports, and takes archery and piano but only for fun), lack of initiative, and being uninformed,, Yep. Neither does your husband. Which is exactly why she wrote in. One of the strangest experiences of my life was attending a Sci-Fi convention with her on a lark where we learned she is on a Franklin Mint plate!! Well-intentioned, devoted partners of crazy-making people can become obsessed with trying to find the magic potion that will make their partners happy and appreciative of their efforts. And in the end its the time together, more than what youre actually doing, that makes the difference. It stated in the letter that the daughter does try to be accommodating. Its great that the LW naturally shares so much with her daughter, but the girl needs to spend time with her father as well, even if it doesnt seem like the most interesting thing at the time. lets_be_honest I was so annoyed! July 2, 2013, 12:17 pm. He sounds like a domineering and boring person. He doesnt have to like Star Trek, but he can respectfully engage her when she talks about this topic. I dont think the father wanting the daughter to broaden her interests is the problem, its the way he is going about it by demeaning her and her interests and trying to cram in his own interests. That means the communication isnt effective and it may be that your husband has to hear this from someone outside the situation. He then referred to it as anti-hunting shit, and we werent allowed to like it. Id say the exact same thing if your roles were reversed here, and somehow she ONLY wanted to watch the History Channel and go hiking. She didnt even have to lock me in the basement. When you think you know what to expect or how to deal with them, they change the rules, seemingly arbitrarily. Then my partner came along. The dad cant have it both ways being rude while demanding respect and attention. I was shocked that a father is rolling his eyes and telling his daughter that her interests annoy him. Either the Dads behavior is bad enough that she needs to draw a line and tell him to stop with the eye-rolling and turning off the TV for no good reason; or it isnt and she needs to prioritize her marriage and get back to being team parent.

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